After two year stalemate Brexit to be decided by penalties.

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Theresa May in Goal

The Prime Minister has indicated she wants to bring her deal back for a fourth Commons vote.

But after two years of stalemate, John Bercow has confirmed Brexit will be decided by a penalty shoot-out.

Senior government sources said the ‘ambition’ is still to get Theresa May’s deal through the Commons.

But after defeats in both the home and away legs, and a series of own goals, Theresa May will have to choose 5 members of the Leave campaign to take penalties in an effort to secure the UK’s withdrawal from the EU.

Michael Gove is one of the leading contenders to take a spot kick, with experts suggesting he can confuse the goalkeeper by looking in both directions at the same time using his two faces.

Despite describing penalty taking as ‘the easiest thing in the world’ Liam Fox has not made the team after it was revealed that nobody in government actually trusts him to get anything right.

Jacob Rees-Mogg and Boris Johnson have both indicated they’ll be prepared to ‘kick a conversion’. Civil servants have spent the past two days trying to explain to them that there’s a difference between football and rugby, but both men have responded by displaying their trademark ignorance, and there seems to be little confidence in either of them.

Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage has emerged as a surprise contender, although concerns have been raised over whether he’ll be able to complete all 8 steps from the edge of the penalty area to the ball.

The prime minister has until 12 April to seek a longer extension to the Article 50 process to avoid the UK leaving without a deal. A No 10 source insisted Mrs May’s efforts were ‘going in the right direction’.

But remainers say they’re confident the penalty shoot-out will take place and they’ll win as they’ve got the Germans on their side.

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