A tearful Andy Murray announces retirement from tennis. “Only way to put a stop to mum’s’ cringeworthy TV career”.


In a tearful press conference British tennis ace Andy Murray has revealed he intends to retire after this year’s Wimbledon.

It’s the only way he can think to put a stop to mum Judy Murray’s cringeworthy TV career – with appearances on Strictly Come Dancing  and Have I Got News For You “too embarrassing to be allowed to continue”.

Mum Judy appears to be supportive of her son’s decision.

Sources close to the family suggest she’s less worried about her media career than she is her place in the competitive-mum stakes, and just hopes Andy decides to do something worth putting in the round-robin Christmas newsletter, or it’s going to be super awkward at the Beckham’s winter barbecue this year…

He’s retiring with a cupboard full of silverware – having won three Grand Slam titles and 45 singles titles in his career.

Andy initially planned to spend the second half of this year on a Saga cruise – until the tour company rejected his application and refunded his money, saying his dour demeanour would be ‘too much even for our miserable clientele’.

Instead he plans to take a part-time job in B&Q, and spend the rest of his week sitting at bus stops trying to strike up conversation with anything that moves.

Andy has struggled with a hip injury for two years, and said to his team: “look I think I can get through this until Wimbledon”, but will then be calling it a day.

“She’ll be on her own after Wimbledon, but she has everything she needs: agent, press credentials, BBC punditry contract, equity card, OBE. If she needs me I can be there for her at the US Open, though.”

In 2016 Andy became the first British singles player to be officially ranked world number one, a position he held for 41 weeks. That year he won nine singles titles, including five in a row.

He was planning to announce his retirement on Friday but, as usual, was just pipped to the post by Novak Djokavic.

(Additional material: Dan Sweryt, Pete Redfern and Chris Ballard)

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