£40 Odeon tickets will ensure all films can finally pass the Bechdel Test.

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This week the Odeon Leicester Square reopened after an eleven month refurbishment and film lovers have balked at new £40 ticket prices.

The new auditorium has been renovated in partnership with Dolby, who have installed their own cutting-edge audio-visual technology to provide the “ultimate cinema experience.”

Management explained just what these pioneering features will be.

The most expensive seats will make Adam Sandler comedies funny, give all films strong female leads (previously unaffordable given the higher wages routinely paid to leading ladies) and ensure that Nicholas cage is never on screen. Hyper-immersive visuals will be complimented by commode-seating so people don’t have to miss bits of the film and annoy others as they shuffle awkwardly to the aisle.

The viewing experience will be further improved as seats administer electric shocks to people whose phones go off or who eat noisy snacks.

A statement from Odeon explained that the new pricing was in line with other live experiences such as the theatre or sporting events.

You’d think a massive cinema chain like Odeon would have a good understanding of what film is but it seems that management need to enrol on Reality 101: Film is a series of still images edited together to create the illusion of movement; theatre and sport are real and are comprised of actual people actually moving actual things.

Management insist £40 for a cinema ticket offers “fantastic value” and are confident the public will agree.

With ticket prices nearly as high as a medium sized popcorn it seems that another avenue of escapism has been closed off to people already reeling from nearly a decade of austerity. If the government can live with its head in the clouds and deny the Brexit-flavoured reality of a forthcoming economic apocalypse it seems wrong that the average person on the street can’t do the same for at least a couple of hours.

To be fair, higher ticket prices are being reflected in reduced on screen advertising; the ads running before the feature presentation have been cut right back to around forty five minutes.

Industry analysts expect the new cinema to prove extremely popular with tumbleweed while actual human beings stay home and watch Netflix.

Chris Ballard

Written By: Chris Ballard

Chris has literally months of experience as a comedy writer. He has had sketch and oneliner credits on BBC’s Newsjack, is a certified writer on Comedywire and has written over 100 articles for various satire sites. He lives in Kent where he is cared for by his wife and two children. One day his wife will laugh at something he has written.
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