2021 census will be the last as the British electorate ‘struggles to answer simple questions’

UK Politics
2021 census will be the last as the British electorate 'struggles to answer simple questions'

The 2021 census could be the last one ever to be carried out.

The UK’s national statistician, Prof Ian Diamond said it has become ‘increasingly clear that the British public have a real problem with answering simple questions.’

The Office for National Statistics has responsibility for the census in England and Wales.

Mr Diamond said the ONS has examined data on public responses to major questions over a period of 5 years with‘shocking’ results.

‘The first question came in 2015’, said Mr Diamond, ‘when Brits were asked to choose between a David Cameron government and chaos with Ed Miliband.’ Mr Diamond said that, while ‘on the face of it’ this seemed a simple decision, the electorate failed to realise that the press who ‘turned it into a bacon sandwich eating contest’ were the very same people connected to senior Tories ‘in a human centipede type fashion.’

In 2016, under Cameron’s premiership, the UK went back to the polls in the EU referendum.

Mr Diamond said this should have been an opportunity for ‘reasoned debate’ and ‘greater understanding of the inner workings of the EU’ but instead became an ‘excuse for little Engerlanders to write big numbers on maps of Europe and claim them as some sort of fact.’

The news that the leave campaign had been successful was a surprise to many in the UK.

Which Mr Diamond said was down to the fact that ‘nobody ever actually put forward a cohesive argument for leaving the EU’ other than ‘a couple of chippies from South London who seemed to think it was the final act of the second world war.’

With the UK on track to leave the EU, the Conservatives put Theresa May in charge of HMS Brexit, and when, despite her valiantly trying to keep spirits up by playing the violin, it became increasingly clear that the iceberg which was the negotiation process, was ripping her a new hull, the British public was given the opportunity to put her out of her misery with another general election.

The Tories won the 2017 general election with a reduced majority.

And for the first time, the ONS began to see statistics showing an increased trend towards ‘high levels of bellendry’ in all parts of the country.

The next general election came just two years later in 2019.

Mr Diamond said that this time ‘the result was a no-brainer’. The public were asked ‘Do you want Boris Johnson (yes the lying twat off of Have I Got News For You) to be prime minister? ‘There was only one possible answer to such a question.’ Said Diamond, ‘It was like asking if you wanted Gary Glitter to babysit. The answer had to be “No”.’ Yet inexplicably Johnson won a landslide victory.

‘So, with that,’ Diamond said, ‘I sent a memo round that simply said “Fuck it”. I never thought I’d see the day when surveys and statistics failed to excite me. But I just couldn’t trust them to get anything right anymore. How could I rely on someone who willingly votes for Boris as PM to be able to count the number of people in their house and spell their own name right?’

The ONS will now look for cheaper alternatives to the census.

With Diamond suggesting, ‘We might as well just draw numbers out of a hat and put them next to the text we ike best. That seems to be the away most government statistics are written these days.’


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