Thieves have stolen £1 million worth of sex toys from a lorry that was parked overnight, police said. The goods were on their way to ‘Rocks-Off Ltd (honestly!), a sex toy manufacturer and designer based in Kettering.
“The lads back at the station are all scratching their heads as to why anyone would want to nick this rubbish,” said a Northamptonshire police spokesman, Sgt Andy Cuff, “And where on earth are they going to find buyers for tripe like this?”
When asked how many officers have been assigned to the case to search for the crooks, Cuff said, “We’re a bit short handed at the moment, so only me.”
Cuff went on to add that everybody in the police station was suddenly very busy on eBay searching for ‘novelty Christmas presents’ for their wives / husbands / boyfriends / girlfriends / local Catholic priests etc. etc.
Quick to condemn the perpetrators of this heinous crime was disgraced MP Keith Vaz.
“I really don’t know what’s happening to our society,” whinged Vaz, a quiet buzzing noise emanating from his back trouser pocket, “It comes to something when goods of national importance can no longer be safely transported to reasonably priced retail outlets frequented by the discerning pervert. I hope these villains are hunted down, locked up and the key thrown away. Although, if they’re found to be swarthy young gipsy types, y’know, dark, slim, a pony tail perhaps, and a single golden earring, I’d be prepared to give of my time to ‘re-educate’ them in a private cell.”
Vaz added, “It’s at times like this that all good men and true should stand up for what is right! To this end, John (Whittingdale) and I, both connoisseurs of… certain unusual pastimes, have clubbed together to offer a substantial reward which we will claim back on MPs expenses as soon as the dumb electorate puts us back in office.”