11 Tory Leadership Contenders form football team to kick Europe into touch

Sport, UK Politics
Tory Leadership Football Team

Brexit minister James Cleverly is the eleventh MP to enter the race to succeed Theresa May…

…and the Conservatives have now reached their target to form a football team. A law will be put to the house to force the Union of European Association Football to accept the eleven candidates as the only UK team to take part in the qualifying matches for their competitions. It will replace the previous team selection system which has been criticised for being far too complicated. The team intends to fulfil the Conservatives promise that the UK will not be in Europe next year and, by losing, should help unite the country; if the Eurovision Song contest is anything to go by.

The law has the support of the Labour Party, keen to see an end to Brexit, and the SNP, keen to avoid any further embarrassment caused by Scottish teams taking part. Reassurances have been given that it will not affect the women’s game and every effort will be made to continue the pretence that it is as important as the men’s game.

Aside from not being professional players, there are a number of other good reasons why the Conservatives can guarantee we will not be in Europe next year. There are no left wingers, no centre midfield, no fullback and absolutely no team work at all as all the players put themselves forward and only play to the right.

The current Minister of Defence, Penny Mordant, was not considered for the eleventh member after failing to grasp the point by suggesting they employ tanks in defence. She even got her department to check the rules of the game and they couldn’t find anything specifically forbidding this tactic.

Someone called Theresa May has, on the team’s behalf, already approached UFEA to request extra time for all the matches. She’s not been asked to join the team despite her well established experience of running in a field.

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