The News Dump – Episode One

“May’s Brexit Deal can be reformed” says Rees-Mogg. “Reformed like cheap ham. Putting together a whole load of sh*t and pretending it’s something it clearly isn’t.”

January 24, 2019

The UK is due to exit the EU on 29 March, regardless of a deal being struck. The decision to leave was taken via referendum by 52% to 48%. In which 48% of people voted to Remain in the EU and 52% didn’t understand the question properly.

Dyson’s Singapore move kickstarts a business ‘Brexodus’. The Bank of England, English Heritage and the Milton Keynes office for Tourism set to follow suit.

January 24, 2019

Governor Mark Carney explained the move was due to the economic uncertainty of Brexit, and its impact on interest rates. “If only there was some way of controlling these things..." he added.

Social media stars to declare when they’re posting for money. Piers Morgan to declare when he’s being a tosser for attention

Social media stars to declare when they’re posting for money. Piers Morgan to follow suit and declare when he’s being a tosser for attention.

January 23, 2019

Some Instagrammers already include ‘#ad’ in the captions of paid-for posts. It’s been suggested that Morgan could label his neediest posts with something similarly succinct. Perhaps: #twat. Of course, this...

BBC once again criticised over pay gap. Some male employees are overpaid – others are massively overpaid.

January 23, 2019

The BBC’s salary report for 2017-18 revealed Gary Lineker to be the highest paid on-air star. The report showed that Lineker was paid in the region of ALL THE MONEY,...

Gatwick airport to trial valet-parking Robots. Although the technology still hasn’t been developed for anyone – man or machine – to remember which row you’re parked in.

January 23, 2019

Gatwick airport is introducing a fleet of valet-parking robots - aimed at cutting hassle for travellers, while also squeezing a third more vehicles into the same size car park. Unfortunately the technology has not yet been developed for anyone - man or machine - to remember which row you’re parked in. During a recent trial the robots had to be grounded after a remote control car was spotted in the area. Hundreds of cars had their Christmas ruined as they...

Met Office warns Brits to stay inside to avoid the high risk of other Brits moaning incessantly about the icy weather

Met Office warns Brits to stay inside to avoid the high risk of other Brits moaning incessantly about the icy weather.

January 23, 2019

Icy weather and snowfall has been seen across much of the country for the past few days - and is set to continue. The public are being warned to stay indoors to avoid the risk of neighbours or coworkers saying something banal and annoying like ‘oh hasn’t the temperature dropped’...

Attenborough warns the natural world is in peril. Before confessing that climate change is all his fault.

January 23, 2019

"For over fifty years I’ve been travelling the world with a huge support team of producers, camera men security guards, make-up artists and hangers on to study nature in situ. I, and my team, have circumnavigated the globe literally hundreds of times. Stupidly I used jumbo jets, oil burning ships...