Met Office issues weather warning. Snow poll results: 52% annoyed, 48% excited.

January 23, 2019

There are still many who think the wintry conditions are a wonderful excuse for a day of fun and relaxation. “It all looked a bit dicey outside so I just stayed in bed for a bit before going into the garden and building a crap snowman. Work’s just not important in the grand scheme of things,” said Prime Minister Theresa May. “That Brexit deal can wait!”

The News Dump – Episode One

Supreme Court allows Trump​ (to enforce)​ military transgender ban(​jo players)

January 23, 2019

The United States Supreme​ ​Court has allowed President Donald Trump to enforce his policy of recruiting thousands of extra​ transgender ​banjo players​ for the military. Unsurprisingly ​the four ​piece quartet of ​liberal judges on the court opposed the ruling ​in close harmony.

Dyson to move HQ to Singapore. ‘Nothing to do with Brexit’, insists founder famous for making things that really, really, suck.

January 23, 2019

The move by the appliance maker means two executives will relocate - chief financial officer Jorn Jensen and chief technical officer Martin Bowen. The company had insisted that no jobs will be lost. Although given that Dyson products are manufactured in Malaysia, the only jobs still based in the UK are those of Sir James Dyson’s housekeeper - an elderly lady on minimum wage called Mabel - and a guard dog called Winston.

Social media stars to declare when they’re posting for money. Piers Morgan to declare when he’s being a tosser for attention

Social media stars to declare when they’re posting for money. Piers Morgan to follow suit and declare when he’s being a tosser for attention.

January 23, 2019

Some Instagrammers already include ‘#ad’ in the captions of paid-for posts. It’s been suggested that Morgan could label his neediest posts with something similarly succinct. Perhaps: #twat. Of course, this...

BBC once again criticised over pay gap. Some male employees are overpaid – others are massively overpaid.

January 23, 2019

The BBC’s salary report for 2017-18 revealed Gary Lineker to be the highest paid on-air star. The report showed that Lineker was paid in the region of ALL THE MONEY,...

Gatwick airport to trial valet-parking Robots. Although the technology still hasn’t been developed for anyone – man or machine – to remember which row you’re parked in.

January 23, 2019

Gatwick airport is introducing a fleet of valet-parking robots - aimed at cutting hassle for travellers, while also squeezing a third more vehicles into the same size car park. Unfortunately the technology has not yet been developed for anyone - man or machine - to remember which row you’re parked in. During a recent trial the robots had to be grounded after a remote control car was spotted in the area. Hundreds of cars had their Christmas ruined as they...

Met Office warns Brits to stay inside to avoid the high risk of other Brits moaning incessantly about the icy weather

Met Office warns Brits to stay inside to avoid the high risk of other Brits moaning incessantly about the icy weather.

January 23, 2019

Icy weather and snowfall has been seen across much of the country for the past few days - and is set to continue. The public are being warned to stay indoors to avoid the risk of neighbours or coworkers saying something banal and annoying like ‘oh hasn’t the temperature dropped’...

Attenborough warns the natural world is in peril. Before confessing that climate change is all his fault.

January 23, 2019

"For over fifty years I’ve been travelling the world with a huge support team of producers, camera men security guards, make-up artists and hangers on to study nature in situ. I, and my team, have circumnavigated the globe literally hundreds of times. Stupidly I used jumbo jets, oil burning ships...