Brand New Today! Episode Two – with Gráinne Maguire
Calls for Rees-Mogg’s British Citizenship to be revoked – as he’s lived mostly in La La Land since age 15February 21, 2019
The British Home Office have come up with a solution to the problem of Shamima Begum, who joined the Islamic State group in Syria aged 15. She has been told she is to lose her UK citizenship as she is eligible for citizenship in Bangladesh. And then realised they had a solution to the even bigger problem of Jacob Rees-Mogg when someone pointed out he’s been living in La-La Land since about 15 years of age. The Begum family's lawyer,...
Jeremy Corbyn repeated that getting rid of anti-Semitism from his party was a priority for him. And he's realised that the only way to do that is to change the party that he is in. This was despite John McDonnell’s plea that there was no anti-Semitism within the Labour Party now that all the Jews had left.
Derek Hatton suspended from the Labour Party over 2012 tweet. “Views not Anti-Semitic Enough for us!” say party chiefs.February 21, 2019
it was deemed that the message just wasn’t Anti-Semitic enough for the Labour party, leaving Jeremy Corybyn with no choice but to suspend Hatton, at least until he’s read Labours “Big book of Anti-Semitic phrases”.
New York tells citizens not to ‘target people based on their hairstyle’. Spokesman quick to reassure the world Trump is still fair game.February 21, 2019
The New York City Commission on Human Rights has released guidelines against targeting people on the basis of their hairstyle. But they confirmed Donald Trump is still fair game. The guidelines aim to protect the rights of New Yorkers in schools, work places and public places, where the commission say black people are disproportionately affected by policies banning hairstyles such as afros and cornrows. A spokesman said that any discrimination based on the colour of a person’s skin is ‘totally unacceptable.' Unless...
After missing out in 2016, Bernie Sanders plans to win the Presidency in 2020. By painting his face orange and treating women like shit.February 19, 2019
Mr Sanders - an independent who caucuses with the Democrats - is one of the best-known names to join a crowded and diverse field of Democratic candidates, and early polls suggest he is far ahead. Mainly due to him radically overhauling his approach to match the evidently winning formula that Donald Trump employed in 2016 to secure the votes of the average American.
Gemma Collins considers appearing on SAS: Who Dares Wins. But only if they film the whole thing in Essex.February 17, 2019
“For anti-hijack driving we can go on the dodgems at Adventure Island in Southend, sniper training will be at the cork shooting stall in Billericay fun fair and we’ll use...
American politics will be a short-term exception as the BBC have already paid for the rights to show the story up to where (spoiler alert!) Donald Trump gets thrown into...
“An asteroid the size of Big Ben is expected to skim past earth later on tonight” says a spokesperson for NASA" But, equally I could tell you that a dozen space monkeys were going to cartwheel passed Jupiter and you’d be none the wiser.” He went on to tell The NewsDump “It’s because I have a massive telescope and you don’t, so I can make any old shit up and you have no choice but to believe me.”