MPs to vote on Uri Geller’s Brexit plan
March 23, 2019‘I can confirm that a motion has been tabled that psychic means should be used to try and prevent Britain leaving the EU’ said Speaker of the House of Commons John Bercow. ‘It’s quite clear to anyone with half a brain that attempting to stop Brexit using the transmission of information by extrasensory means is complete bollocks, but in the absence of any more sensible suggestions I propose we give it a try’.
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“March To Leave” delayed by a day – as Farage’s halfway-point visit turns into all-day bender.
March 26, 2019The March to leave reached its midway point over the weekend. The marchers were joined again by Nigel Farage, who had previously only taken part on day one. Starting the day in a pub car park on an open top double decker Brexit bus. Nigel used his most inspirational propaganda to rile the crowd up, proving he’s not the same as other Brexiteers, Nigel opted to lie from the top of the bus, rather than on the side of it. Farage...
Pixar releases trailer for Tory Story 4
March 25, 2019Toy Story 4 is due in cinemas on June 21st. It is currently unclear whether this deadline will be met, extended, or missed entirely.
Early heatwave may be delayed due to Brexit red-tape
March 25, 2019
Sam Allardyce to take over as caretaker Prime Minister
March 25, 2019
Simon Cowell drafted in to run Tory Leadership contest.
March 24, 2019
Pentagon authorises $1bn Border Wall payment. Trump spends it all on giant gold lettering.
March 26, 2019The Pentagon has authorised a transfer of $1bn to army engineers for the construction of the US-Mexico border wall. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is constantly refreshing his online bank account, waiting for the funds to arrive. The transfer will be used to build around 57 miles of wall, reaching 18ft high, as well as covering road improvements and new lights. However, it is believed that Mr Trump has already allocated the money to cover the giant gold lettering he purchased on eBay....
Trump obtains copy of Mueller Report. FINALLY understands how to eat his yoghurt.
March 25, 2019US congressional leaders are awaiting their chance to view the conclusions from Special Counsel Robert Mueller's report into alleged collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia, submitted to the Justice Department on Friday evening after a two year investigation. The News Dump has managed to obtain an exclusive recording from Mar-A-Largo revealing President Trump’s private Mueller Briefing. Here is the transcript: Date: 24/03/19 – 08:00PST Present: Pat Cipollone (White House Counsel), John Bolton (National Security Advisor), President Trump (45th President of...
Lorraine Kelly not guilty of Tax Evasion. IS guilty of 35 years of banal conversation.
March 21, 2019TV presenter Lorraine Kelly has been cleared of non-payment of tax, after a tribunal hearing brought by HMRC. But she was found guilty of 35 years of banal conversation, and...
HMRC-case Judge rules Lorraine Kelly is an actress. Soon to play Jimmy Carr in new tax-dodging blockbuster.
March 21, 2019It is believed that filming on the new movie will begin as early as June and it may be released in spring 2020, as long as the studio can control...
Scientists grow meat on blades of grass. Ethical Vegans set to boycott Gardener’s Question Time.
March 26, 2019This research was supposed to be confidential but it was impossible to keep it secret in a lab that contained both a rat and a grass.
